Walk of life....

I find as we take the journey from birth to death there are many people we take into our lives, sometimes unwittingly. Each person we come in contact with gives something to us or takes something from us. Either positive or negative, in passion or strife, in love or hate, or in any way that one could possibly fathom. There is piece of one another inside us all.

Today was one of those many days where you find yourself slumped upon the couch barely able to move, flicking through channels mindlessly wondering how in god's name you found yourself in this perpetual rut, again.

My thoughts wandered from the good happy days on the beach, lying in the surf, toes picking at the sand, the warm sun on my skin. My girlfriends giggling about how hot the lifeguard is while burying each other in mountains of crystal grains of pure white.

To the bad times where I found myself cold alone, sitting in front of one of the ten thousand Mexican restaurants in El Paso. Thousands of miles away from anyone who could care if I was alive. My life tossed into one 10 Gallon black hefty bag, burning in my hands from the blazing heat of the desert sun. With no money, no identity, no hope.

Whatever faith you follow, whatever god you worship, however you believe, just believe. I thought of how good the universe really is to me. When I found myself on top of the world forgetting how hard it could be out there, allowing myself to be spoiled by good fortune, something always came along to knock me off my high horse. Someone was sent to stir the pot and remind me that I must not lose that will to survive, for if I do I will not be prepared to fight for this breath and therefore do not deserve it.

In and of the same, when I have been knocked to the bottom of the pit of the drudgery that is human existence, and somehow manage to keep falling. Someone is sent to pick me back up and remind me that the universe is there, watching and returning my good intentions.

Yes, today was one of those days. I spent the week in a rut, crying mostly, crying for so many reasons feeling like I hit that wall again and wouldn’t find a way to climb it. While I was sitting there barely breathing, surrounded by empty tissue boxes, the doorbell rang. I thought "Who the hell wants to see me?" Immediately I thought of something horrible, my landlord freaking out about the weeds in the yard, a cop serving me a summons for something I had no idea I've done, or the worst, an ex. I reluctantly opened the door cowering behind it, heart racing, eyes welling with tears.

It was my friend John, my darling John who has been there for me so many times. He had read my blog about men and had known I have been ill for the past week. I opened the door to allow him inside and went to put on something more appropriate. When I trotted back into the living room he brought a small bouquet of orange flowers from behind his back. Unknown to him, I had been admiring those exact flowers at the store only days before. He brought them to cheer me up; I was struck with with the realization that there are people who know me and who care about me. The thought that he went out of his way to bring me this small token of affection was all I needed to snap me back out of that pit. Oh, but the day didn’t end there.

I hugged John goodbye and thanked him again for the flowers. I closed the door and went to the computer to continue my usual routine previously derailed by my depression. I opened my mail and saw a letter from a much unexpected source. An ex-boyfriend from nearly 4 years ago, the subject read "grown up". In a slightly more elated mood, yet cautious still, I opened the note and began to read.

He told me that he has been through much in those years and has grown as a person. He continued by telling me that he was truly sorry for treating the way he did and that I didn’t deserve it. He asked me to forgive him, I already have. My heart leapt at this kind gesture and reminded me that people are inherently kind. Maybe I was too harsh in my previous blog about men? I have to say there are many boys out there, but you sir are a man.

With a newly opened mind and a light in my path I went about my routine. I had a nice cold cup of iced tea, played a few games of spider solitaire, and a couple rounds of fetch. I decided to do the dishes; as I was taking the clean glasses out of the dishwasher the phone rang. Another great male friend was on the line. It was my sweet friend Paul inviting me to go see the new Indiana Jones movie with our mutual lady friend Marty. I was delighted as I have been eagerly looking forward to seeing this movie. At the same time I was slightly somber as I had planned weeks before to see it with my now ex-boyfriend and his sweetheart daughter.

I pondered over the invitation and decided I would go, enjoy myself and my ex can go to hell, his loss I told myself, though in honesty I feel we both lost...

We went to the mall, piddled around a while, got our popcorn and various fatty snacks, and settled in. I had a rave time as we made our little comments and snickered at the funny parts. Afterward, my motley musketeers’ and I made our way over to Starbucks where we met with another lovely gal pal Michelle. Michelle is gentle woman who brightens my days with her knowing smirk and glistening eyes. We chatted and sipped on our lattes as I busted out my witty banter puffing away at my cigarettes, we laughed and gossiped, smiled and sang.

We finished our Java and trotted over to Applebee’s where we split a few plates of various yummies. After we ate we sat for a while as I became the unwitting patient of my three therapists. They listened intently to my problems and only spoke briefly with tiny snippets of wisdom.

We paid and left. I felt lighter, like all the pain and worry of the months past had melted away and the issues I have been dreading in the future seemed small and insignificant. The world was beautiful, I glanced around and didn’t see the dry dead desert, but a lush oasis of greens and reds, cool breeze on my face, the air around me even smelled sweeter. I simply sighed and smiled at my wonderful friends.

I hugged Michelle goodbye then Marty, Paul, and I climbed into Paul’s explorer and made our way back to my house. When we arrived I began the tedious task I had been putting off for some time; Packing my ex's things. Paul and Marty refused to simply sit on the couch and watch TV, they helped by carrying things away and tucking them into the trunk of his car as I pointed to finished bags and boxes. They cracked jokes and lovingly touched my back, arms, and hands in a way that told me "wherever, whenever".

When we were finished we sat back on the couch and spent the next hour watching ridiculous game shows, laughing and chatting about various events. When the two were sufficiently convinced that my mind was right they hugged me, told me I would see them tomorrow, and slowly made their way out; still cracking jokes.

I closed the door and sat on the couch where I had began the day, only hours before, in a fit of despair. I looked around, saw the flowers on the dining table, and smiled to myself. I knew it’s all going to be okay. The people that have touched my life have taken much from me in recent times. Over the course of a few months my sanity deteriorated as I was put down, tossed aside, and put out. I was kicked while I was down and then kicked again. In one day, only a few precious hours, these five people came together to touch me. In doing so, they gave me back all that was taken. It takes months, sometimes years to build your tomb but only a moment of someone else's time to knock it down.

So, you want to know the moral? I'm not sure entirely if it can be put into such a simple context. What I can summarize is this; Take the time to give to someone, you may be doing more than you think...

What happened to men????

Ok, I know now that it’s not me. Men have disappeared from the face of the plant; much like the dinosaur they have become inadvertently extinct. Sometimes in an off moment we think we have seen one passing us by. Like the illusive Nessy or his pal Big-foot but on closer inspection we can see that it is just another coddled little boy hiding under his man mask. With the ever-lazing parenting styles of the past few generations more boys have been engulfed in bubble-wrap by their mommies, grand-mommies, aunties, and even fathers.......weird huh?

They can’t handle life in the world where people are cruel, self-reliant, and self-sufficient. More women are getting away from traditional roles of coddling their husbands like mommy would. This for some reason is causing severe emotional trauma to boys of all varied ages. Resulting in the over-whelming desires to obtain a therapist to do the coddling that wifey or girlfriend wont.